Hey Notebook
by MagicZebra123
Summary: An apathetic April O'Neil reflects in a notebook. Her feelings may reflect her future decisions. Maybe a sequel! R&R Thanks for reading!


**A/N Hey guys, I know its been a while but I've just been busy. This is a very general story. Don't like don't read. I may upload future chapters if I get a few more real life inspirations. This is just an idea, I do not own any of the songs I listed or the turtles, ninja or** otherwise.

Hey Notebook,

I feel like 'Dear Diary' is too cliché, and I felt like calling this a diary would make this too girly. I'm not really that kind of person.

I really am not feeling my greatest today, nauseous and dizzy and tired because its raining outside. Maybe school would have been a better option than sitting at home all day.

Listening to 'The Little Things' by Carlos Bertonatti. Wish I heard this song more often. Makes me feel like I'm listening to Micheal Buble but with more rhythm and just bit more of a jazzy feel. I should probably listen to music other than Skillet more often than I do.

Maybe someone will call today. Just to see if I'm alive. Maybe they stopped caring. I don't know. Its just an idea.

Got invited to a party yesterday, but since I wasn't gonna get information on where to go or where to be until the day before, so I decided not to go. Better choice on my part. It was probably going to be a bunch of junkies getting high in the basement. I think I'm better off staying at home.

This girl in my biology class just reminded me that I missed a test first period. Oh well. Ill make it up before school ends. Can't fail another class a week before school ends.

I started wearing my bracelet that I made at art class last week. It says Survivor, not that it means anything really. I didn't really fit in with any of them anyway.

Getting sick of listening to Pandora and going from the Secondhand Serenade to some weird guy singing a mix between 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' and Jason Derulo. I cant even believe that exists. It makes me think about all the weird people in this world. Maybe I do have a chance in doing something that I want to do. If someone can sign a guy whose album cover is a fat guy faring rainbows. I'm sure I could do better.

My aunt is supposed to come by later, if she cares enough to. I can see it now, I'm crying in my room because she yelled at me to leave my own house, all because she wants to rearrange my house that I barely live in anymore. I need to get out more.

My bracelet keeps hitting things that shouldn't be hit. Like the dining room table and the counter with the Oreo's on it and the brown and white counter top that I never use, even though I'm the only one who makes food around here.

Everything in my house right now doesn't work. My cable box just stopped working, now I think my internet is starting to shut down on me. I don't feel like getting up off the couch to fix it. I guess ill just run System Mechanic to see if it can fix it by itself. Technology these days.

Now I'm stuck using my data on my phone to listen to Eric Hutchinson, who I really don't listen to anymore. I'd rather listen to Paramore, who I don't like just as much, but I'll do anything for a change of pace. Now The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, there's a band.

Speaking of them, they just showed up on my Pandora. The acoustic version of 'Face Down', the only song I knew by them for a while, at least until I hit shuffle on Spotify. Maybe I'll go listen to them next. I really like the song, probably too much. It's about a girl who's in an abusive relationship. As with my most recent relationship, I felt very scared to say anything to him about all his complaints about how I wasn't perfect. He complained about my limp from my bad knees, and that I was fat and losing and gaining weight at almost random. Eventually I just gave on on trying to be perfect for him and just tried to be me. We broke up on November 31st, 2013. I think it had been 18 months of real relationship, if you could even call it that. I was scared to go anywhere with him, so we just sat around on my couch and cuddled. That was never good enough for him, so he would try to take me out, and get mad at me when I wasn't perfect. It was a paradoxical sight, and it tormented me from day one.

I used to tell my friends every day 'I'll do it after Thanksgiving'. Sometimes he made me very happy, but it wasn't enough to hold us together. I'm surprised we didn't break sooner.

Our relationship reminds me of the song 'Jasey Rae' by All Time Low, the version on the Punk Goes Acoustic 2. Its about a girl who trusts the guy she loves and just wants to be left alone. It perfectly describes our relationship, at least in the later stages. I just wasn't happy, and that was never quite accepted by my friends and now ex-boyfriend. I probably should have just held it in until I left for Northampton with my dad, so that when we broke up I wouldn't have to hear his voice, and get his texts that said that he wanted to talk. It was a lie, a trick to try and get me to listen and obey. I didn't listen, which caused another paradox in which he wanted to change me but he didn't want to lose me. We couldn't have one without the other. It just didn't work. He still glares at me, like its my fault my friends help influence my decision. They even helped me execute the plan to end it, once and for all.

They all say I've been more 'relaxed' since we broke up. That wouldn't exactly describe the way I was feeling, maybe in layman's terms. I really don't know how I've been feeling, not numb but really unaware. I just needed a break from trying to be perfect, especially for someone who needed you to be perfect all the time, to hold them together. At least I have a way to spend my time outside of trying to be someone's doll. Maybe I am better off than I thought. Maybe I am.

See ya later Notebook,

April

Thanks for reading, maybe there will be a sequel later, if another plot bunny comes jumping across my lawn :). Thanks for the support!


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